A Walnut's Christmas

As Christmas draws near, people's lives get turned upside down. Parents get all gittery preparing to buy presents for nieces and nephews; siblings get all moody while they jostle for the glitter markers in the house to write lovey dovey messages to their partners; the choir gets busy as they prepare for carolling; the indoor pubs fill up because everyone just wants to forget about work and bask in the annual festivity. And where does that leave those without partners or those without money to feed to bartenders?

Christmas for a Roman Catholic me has always been exciting. From when I was a toddler I remember literally waiting under the Christmas Tree at home to see if Santa really came on his reindeer sledge to give me my presents. He never came, of course, but the presents stil magically appeared under the Tree the next morning bearing the love of "Mummy & Papa", "Chair Chair" and "Kor Kor". Even now when I think back to those Christmas mornings, I smile in blissful joy.

That joy also comes with a nagging sadness that seems to flow endlessly despite how many times I try to wring it dry. For I am not that innocent child waiting under the tree anymore nor am I my siblings' 'little baby brother' anymore. To know that those moments will forever be just a fragment of the memories that I still am creating makes me bewildered at why I never learn to treasure good things before they come to pass.

As a child I always wanted to grow up. When i was in the rigid school system I always wanted out. Now that I cannot remember the ins and outs of living as a child, as well as studying from 7.20 am to 2.00 pm, I cannot help but ask myself if I was foolish to not have cherished those moments. There was much more time for me to bond with my family, to get to know my classmates better, to play sports more, to be more invlved in drama, to study harder, and the list just goes on. As a growing adult, I know that I have to tell myself to just move on.

Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. The day the saviour came into this world. Though he came on a cold winter's night, he illuminated the darkness of the sky with his being and filled the air with warmth.

Christmas is a time you pick your girlfriend up from her place in your best suit to go for Midnight Mass.

Christmas is a time bells ring at the stroke of midnight, signalling Christ's arrival.

Christmas is a time when you cuddle up with your girlfriend just next to the fireplace (that's the tiny balcony for us Singaporeans) and talk about the past year together whilst exchanging loving glances.

Christmas is a time when all those complicated feelings come rushing into me. Memories from every Christmas come back to me every year, with each year's recollections ironically less prominent than the next.

Christmas is a time when I try everything in my power to crack open the rock hard shell of a walnut with my bare hands, only to come to the sudden realization that the walnut that won't crack is but a reflection of myself.