Christmas Reflections

I now remember why I wanted so much to get out of being in a relationship.

For some three years, I was never without a partner. And at the end of those three years, I couldn't help but ask myself: just who are you, Dominic Wong? Even my name sounded funny to me.

One was always there to make me feel like I didn't have my own personality; that I should always conform to her superficial wants and needs. Which is not to say that everything about her was superficial. Some of the most romantic times of my life were spent with her so much so that we played our relationship out almost like a chick flick. Except I wasn't the rich, bad boy hunk that she wanted so badly. I found myself retreating to music. My guitar became my wife and song became my only solace in a partnership which no one could seperate; except her.

When I finally got out of that emotional rut, I met someone who probably is the one person who knew me the best. Always tolerant, forgiving and patient to my wilful needs, she never failed to show me a side of myself that I never knew of. She gave me the confidence to take my music out of the bathroom and into the world. She made me feel like i was almost invincible; which led me to feel like I was a bird that was not caged but chained. I could fly freely but never beyond the length of the chain. I had to break free.

Which I did. And after more than a year, I think it was the best thing for us. To have had the one most supportive female person by my side for two years was my blessing, and I simply couldn't hold on to her the way she held on to me. It was fair for neither of us that way. Seeing the way things have worked out today for the both of us, I am not regretful that I made that choice, though it was a veyr painful one to make.

And now I'm beginning to see that with that decision I made, I failed to realize that I had also made a subconscious one to block out any romance that would come my way. It doesn't mean I didn't get excited at times when romance was just hovering above my head, but I never acted on anything.

And that was for the very same reason I chose to be alone. Being in a relationship made me dependant on my partner in every single way. And today, as Christmas draws near, I finally feel the pinch of not having someone by my side. Who can I call and ask to go on a nice Christmas evening date to see the lightup at Orchard Road with? With whom shall I go for Midnight Mass if I don't sing in the choir this year? Where shall I go after Midnight Mass? Who should I bring to nanny's place for Christmas lunch? Who will be with me in my room these few evenings to countdown to Christmas by watching travel shows and promising to make a snowy Christmas trip one day soon together, just you and me?

As the eve of the eve draws near, I can be sure of who will be by my side at any time: my Seagull. She will be with me to play out tunes that are too familiar; to cry with me when she knows that I can't play her the way I really want to. And so this year's Christmas will be the same as most other years: a lover in my arms, my heart somewhere else. I guess that's who I've been and who I still am: a restless soul with no real capability of settling down. I can only hope that that's not who I will stay for the rest of my life.

So as with last year, I know I need to spend some time alone; to figure out who I am alone; to fight my battles alone, for they are no one else's but mine.

And I'm not going to pretend. I'm lonely. I sure as hell am. But in no way am I afraid.