A Long Overdue Confession

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The is the Dominic Wong that I now know. He loves his cigarettes, his beer, and sex.. whenever he gets it. Sure, he loves his music and he'd tell you that one of the things that he lives for. True, to a certain extent. A certain amount of musical ability runs through his veins, making him quiver at the thought of a performance coming up soon and making his legs shake incontrolably before, during and after the actual show.

He hurries through life the typical Singaporean way. Rush, eat, rush, complain, rush, try to write some songs, rush, eat, rush, sleep. Of course, at the end of the day when he stares at his ceiling and reflects on what came out of the day, the conclusion is that all the rushing really wasn't worth a dime.

Around him are some very close friends. Two are fellow musicians bound by nothing more than minimal knowledge of the law just enough to scrape through our diploma. One is a girl who's almost like a mirror image of him where the only difference is their skin colour and the length of her hair. He once had a person who knew him more than he knew himself always by his side to tell him that that new song he wrote sucks. Now she's no more there. He once had a person who danced her way through Secondary School and ended up being slightly more distant than he thought she would end up. Of course, there's also this girl who is his convenient substitute for a best friend gone missing (but she know's she more than just a substitute).

The Dominic Wong I once knew was a very different person. He was a vehement supporter of Communism; mainly in its belief that all men were born equal and that we should live in a classless society where everyone gives according to his ability and receives according to his needs. Now, he believes that since no system is perfect (or is going to work perfectly), there really isn't any reason to discriminate between ideologies - in short.. he doesn't care anymore.

He used to watch love dramas and read love stories - and believe in them. Now, he watches love dramas and reads love stories - and finds that its a fantasy world not dissimilar to one that Tolkien created.

That Dominic Wong loved once. Perhaps, he fell in love so deep that when he realized that he would never get out of that hole he had fallen into, he decided to dig himself a hole horizontally and hide away. Now, he's grown comfortable in that space where he s no longer in danger of falling nor subject to any attack from above; for it is a cave that he lives in and in that cave, no harm can reach him.
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Sometimes, when I sit back and think of how I have changed over the past few years, I feel emotionally paralyzed. I have learnt to keep my emotions in check so that I never ever put my heart on the table for someone again. Three years ago, I gave my heart to someone; and though I may tell myself that I am over the pain and anger and frustration that I felt, the truth is that I can never get my heart back from her no matter how hard I try.

I won't lie and say that we didn't have our good times cause we did. I will always remember the times that you cooked for me - even though most of the time it was instant noodles with some extra goodies that even I was capable of making by myself, nothing can and will make me forget the look on your face as you watched me eat; the totally random kisses that you would give me even though my mouth was full of maggi me; the way you would wink at me whenever I looked bored.

More than anything else, I will never forget the times that we spent on your couch watching TV. Days Of Our Lives suddenly became interesting to me.. but not more interesting than you. The times we spent in your room doing nothing but each other will probably never be erased from my memory no matter how hard I try.

We had our good times, baby. You and I both know that we could have been something more than we turned out to be. But the fact is, we turned out to be nothing more than a big mess. You messed up my life for a while. Heck, I guess I'm still trying to get better now. But you know what? Even though I may be better off right now if I didn't get to know you at all, I probably woudn't want that for me.

You let me experience love for the first time. How much it hurt after that is irrelevant. Whether it was also the last is left to be seen.