I've slept sweet the past few nights, especially since I had so much fun on Friday night.
It's nice to sit in a pub sipping on beer with amazing company, listening to live music without thinking about how far I can go in music.
It's nice to wake up at 9 am after 4 hours of sleep and yet feel energised and fresh. Things like that don't happen to me all the time (or rather, I don't let them happen).
It's all been very nice for me. Till last night's dream.
I called her up and told her I wanted to see her. That I wanted to give the both of us another shot. She agreed to meet me and when I saw her face, the problems just came back again - how she couldn't look me in the eye for more than a few seconds without switching her focus to some guy who's passing by; how she would regard everything I say as nonsense; how something sweet to me seems nonsensical to her (if I had written a song for her she would have chuckled while giving the 'what-the-hell' look before saying "so sweet" most sacarstically); how it felt to know that no matter what I did, it would never ever be enough for her.
Furious at her attitude and behaviour, I let the words "You slut!" escape from my mouth. To my surprise and further fury, she didn't even look at me or look angry. "You know she's a slut," I thought, "Why am I wasting my time here?"
I turned to walk away, not without telling her melodramatically, "If you're not going to say anything, I'm gonna go.. and I won't want to to ever see you after that."
Not surprisingly, she let me go. I felt this deep pain eat me up from inside which throbbed a little harder with every step that I took and I couldn't believe that I had let myself go through all of that again.. after literally vowing never to let someone treat me like that ever - especially her.
The rest of the dream means little more than nothing to me for I ended up throwing my wallet and handphone into a swimming pool and had to dive in to get it.. the pain still etched inside of me. And eventually, I think I began to dream of things I can now no longer recall.
My best friend once said that he would rather have nightmares and scary and sad dreams than nice, sweet ones because no matter what kind of dream it was, you would always wake up at the end. When you wake up from a nightmare, more often than not, a good feeling would come over you and you'd start to thank god that it was just a dream; but when you wake up from a fairytale-like dream, all you want to do is to go back into that wonderland where everything just seem(ed) so perfect.
This morning when I woke up, I felt that something was not right. I began to think through the events of last night but nothing could have sparked off the weird mix of emotions that I was feeling because we were jamming all the way till I went to sleep last night. But there was something that was haunting me that even made me think of calling in sick today - thank goodness I didn't.
It was not until later in the morning when I was looking through my own blog posts about her that I realized that she screwed me over once again - in my dreams this time.
They say that dreams are the manifestation of one's subconscious - things that you think about without even thinking about them. So what this means is that I think of her without even having to think of her.. and this scares me quite a bit.
When someone asked me just last week what my biggest fear in life is, I answered almost without hesitation that it would be the fear that I may never bring myself to put myself out there for someone again. It's a funny question coming from someone that I actually feel vulnerable to for some inexplicable reason; but I can only wonder how long more I can actually let myself live like this cause I really don't know anything anymore.. except that I cannot go on like this forever. I don't want to.
I've said this before and I'll say it again. Leave me the fuck alone.
