Here Without You

"I'm here without you baby but you're still on my lonely mind.
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time."



There are few songs that can evoke so much emotion in me that I could just stop, put everything down and play the memories that still remain of you in my mind.

I need to move on. I sit here right now without you, occassionally drifting in and out of my life and I know that nothing is going to change. Not because I don't want it to. If I had a choice, I would give my entire existence to you just because it felt so right with you. Nothing mattered at all when I was with you. Everything around us, to me, collapsed when we were together and left just the two of us standing in our own little world with no one able to touch us with their distorted images of what a perfect couple is supposed to be.

But distorted they were, and it took me a long time to see that. You never cared about what I was feeling inside, as long as I dressed up the way you wanted; as long as I said the things you wanted to hear; as long as I spoke the way you felt was cool.

You set the rules of our relationship - for me - while you went on to break every single rule. With each time you broke those rules, a part of my heart slowly but surely went down with it, never to be rebuilt again. Now all that it does is to pulsate at regular (or irregular) intervals pumping blood through my veins, transporting oxygen.

I would like to tell the world that I never once said that I hated you. But the truth is, I never dared admit it. I've always believed that love and hate are not opposites, just different sides of each other so admitting that I hated you meant telling everyone including my girlfriend that I was still in love with you. So i tried convincing myself that you never mattered anymore.

Of course, that didn't go down well with the girlfriend. And eventually, it got to me. I was still in love with you and while you kept hinting that letting me go was what hurt the most for you, you still went on from one guy to another.

You changed a lot these years. Though your room still smells the same, you've changed. And while I figure out how and why you could simply let me go if I really meant that much to you, I'm not as strong as you. Most guys aren't.

So I need to move on. Let me go. Just like you did back then, let me go on with my life. I know for a fact that I won't last much longer in this game you choose to play over and over and over again. I'm not a sore loser and in fact I don't have a problem losing games at all. But you know what?

At your game, I choose not to play.

But do I really have a choice, dar?

Leave me the fuck alone. Stop making me mess with my own mind.

"A thousand lies have made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same.
And when the last one falls, it gets hard but it won't take away my love"