See Thru You

Packed up my bags today
Don't know where to go
I think I'll just stray
I know what I have to do
Out of reach and out of sight of you

Looking down from way up here
I'm hearing things you would never share
Baby you don't have to make me crawl
I just don't know when to make the call

Everytime I see that place
That "I may wake to see your face"
I always pray.

Its so hard to see you
Every little thing you say or do
Let me look inside you
Far behind that beautiful face
Let me see through you

Make my way back to the days
when I could just reach out
And touch your pretty face
Snapping back to how I'd fall
falling down where I can see you no more

Every dream I dream of you
That I may wake when this comes true

Anywhere that you want me to be
I will be there for you
As long as you're with me

A Scheut Calling

***Out of faith, hope and love, which is the greatest? It's love. That's why we have to start loving everybody regardless of race, religion or how good they look. We eat rice everyday, not shit.. so we have to watch our words.

God loves us so much. That is why he wants for us not to lay back and be oblivious to the things around us. He sends us in a circle to see the good and the bad and then come home.

So love yourself. If you don't love yourself, how can you love others? If you don't love others, how can you have faith? If you don't have faith, then there's no hope. If there's no hope, you're hopeless!***

Despite how harsh his last sentence sounded and how rebelliously I answered him, the jovial 60 year old taxi driver who had a loving picture of his family as well as a "God Loves All Of Us" sign on his dashboard, his words remain ringing in my head as a sign that life is a journey. No matter how you steer, that journey should inevitably end in one full circle.

One Pregnant Lady

A couple of months ago, I was walking along a street doing nothing other than checking out every single person that I passed by. Of course, there were the girls with big boobs, guys who looked like they just woke up from sleep (wash your hair man!) and those who simply looked like they walked here from China. Nothing out of the ordinary until one particular human being caught my attention. She made me stop in my tracks and just look in a way that would have gotten me arrested if she had screamed or alleged harrasment.

A pregnant lady. Complete with a maternity dress, matching handbag and low heels. The aura surrounding her reeked of the 'corporate air-conditioning' syndrome but that was not what struck me. What struck me was how much beauty I actually saw in this lady.

For starters, she was a very beautiful lady. I could imagine her being the school belle from secondary school all the way up to her university days. In fact, I imagined all the deprived corporate men just freezing the moment she walked into the office at 9 a.m. every morning. But this lady's beauty exuded from a source other than her flawless complexion and swollen breasts. This lady was pregnant.

Being the adolescent boy that I am, I linked the bulging tummy to the act that actually brought about the pregnancy in the first place. Like they say, one bulge begets another. But it was not rough, horny thoughts that accompanied these images in my mind but rather the realization of what sex really is. The making of new life.

For once, I realized that when bangbus and xxxproposal and the likes of it are stripped away, all you have is an innate desire to create new life. This is an entirely different matter from creating your own pencil holder at D&T class or making your own ondeh ondeh. Sex is the fulfilment of the primal desires of two people who need to join their bodies together for that special purpose: to bring new life into this world; which is why orgasam means (and feels) so much more when attained with a partner. Jacking off is a physical thing. Embracing the lady whom you love so much while you ejaculate deep inside her is much more than just a physical thing.

For those of us who have never experienced such pleasures of life (or creation of life), I'm sure most of us will experience it someday. For the apprehensive lot, it is a conscious choice not to bring life into this world which they believe is so full of evil and hurt and complicated emotions. For me, I think the droning of the Catholic church's principles have worked: it is not your choice to refuse or discard of the gifts that God gives you.

I tend to agree with that 'principle' a lot. Perhaps we all feel that this evil world today is a terrible one which isn't a good condition for living. But if you had a choice, would you have chosen not to be born? If our parents had thought 'I can't bring a child into the world as it is today's back then, we couldn't even be here right now. So give that child a chance. Give your child a chance.

Oh and by the way, just a couple of weeks after I saw that beautiful pregnant lady, I found out that my sister was pregnant. My mind began to start the same thought process that had been trigeered off by that lady but I stopped myself. I just had to.

Wedding Bells Ring

"Do you take this man as your lawfully wedded husband, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to have and to hold, to love and to cherish till death do you part?"

"Take this ring as
a sign of my love and fidelity
in the name of the Father and
of the Son and of the Holy Spirit"

"In the most Holy presence of God, I now pronounce you man and wife."

"What God has joined together, man must not divide."


Since I was 10 years old, I would periodically attend weddings in church as an altar server and, more recently, as a choir boy. The Catholic rituals remain the same. The roles at the altar remain the same. But the feelings that are aroused in me have changed without me noticing.

As a little boy of 10, all I ever looked forward to was the angpow that we got at the end of the mass. Sometimes $20, sometimes $8, rarely $10 (its a Chinese custom to give odd multiples of $10 at funerals). As I grew a little older with puberty setting in, I started staring at the brides. And I realized that a girl really looks the prettiest on her wedding day. Its the love and excitement in her eyes I think.

And now as I grow into a little man, I have absolutely no idea what I feel when I sing for a wedding. The sensible part of me claps and smiles at two people in love finally tying the knot; the coming together of two families formerly oblivious to one another, now joined as relatives.

The emotional part of me just collapses to reject what an idealistic teenager who thought that his was the only girl in the world untouched by promiscuity, vanity and materialism would have bled for not too long ago.

I Miss..

I miss waking up in the morning not knowing where I will be going or what I'll be doing today.

I missing walking to the public bath in my yugata where beyond the door lie many naked men of all ages who seem to make nothing of the nudity that brings only awkwardness to the unaquainted foreigner.

I miss receiving that message from my best friend from halfway across the world just asking "if everything's ok over there".

I miss speaking in a language I'm unfamiliar with and yet love so much.

I miss getting excited over seeing mundane and uninteresting things like dustbins and the seats on the subway.

I miss the realization that I got everyday that wherever I went, no one knew or cared who I was.

I miss finding out that even though Japan is a small country, people are different everywhere.

I miss thinking back and remembering that Jurong and Bedok were 2 very different places with very different people so what's surprising about Nagasaki and Tokyo's contrast?

I miss resisting the temptation to go where the road takes me, remembering that I wasted hours just trying to find my way out of a certain wretched neighbourhood.

I miss the fear inside of me when I faced the prospect of sleeping out in the streets that day.

I miss knowing the fact that the people I loved and cared about were a 7 hour plane ride away.

I miss the luxury that I had of seeing the blossoming of the sakura at its different stages throughout that beautiful country.

I miss the feeling that overwhelmed me when I saw Leon's face at Yokosuka station.

I miss how my English sentence structure was messed up for the first 30 min we were together.

I miss the snow up in Hakone. It snowed for 2 friends on an unbelievable trip together and stopped the moment we left the mountains.

I miss the club we almost got lucky at before kind-hearted friends pulled us off and treated us to a mexican feast.

I miss walking into the mirror despite a warning from Leon that same night.

I miss that Sunday morning when my best friend called from halfway across the world saying that we were both going to be back home soon.

It really was soon.

I made the trip.

We made the trip.

I missed home.

Now we're back and I still miss home whenever I think of leaving.

But people always leave. It's only a matter of time before that someone leaves.

What will you do then?

Will you run away as well, or will you settle down and wait?

Only you can tell which is the easier way out.

Then, you've the awful option of following your heart.

The Face In The Mirror

To look within one's self is a most disgusting thing to do.

People try their entire lives trying to reason why they are who they are, and who they ought to be instead. All this is in vain isn't it? Perhaps a person is born a certain way, and the journey through wanting to be someone else is just a waste of time, energy and emotion.

What do you see when you reach down into the deepest parts of yourself? Is it a cold hard core in spite of your warm, hospitable exterior? Is it a conniving instigator that contrasts your kind and peace-loving appearance? Or do you see a warm red heart that pulsates with such emotion and feeling that, left unsurpressed, would implode and leave your body just as it is: a hollow shell.

We have our own impressions of ourselves. But how much do those impressions match with the ones that others have gained of us? Ever looked out a window and felt a contemplation so strong that you thought you could look out forever? A window belongs in its pane but spends most of its life opened either on the inside or out. For if it stays in its pane forever, all it would be is a glass panel that serves no other purpose than to let light pass through. Are you a window that swings towards the ways of the world or a firm and self-assertive transparent glass panel?

Looking into a mirror is a creepy thing to do. You know exactly where that pimple is, and exactly which angle from which to look and not see it. You know what colour and style your hair should be modelled in to complement the tone of your skin. But despite all these things that you know, something, somehow is oddly unfamiliar.

何かやりたい事をやればいいんじゃない？けど、いつも問題があるはずから、一生もやれない事がいっぱいかもしれない？人生は自分のために生きてるけど、そんなに簡単な事じゃないだろう。両親、友、愛人もいて、人生はケージになる事もある。

で、人生と自由はどういう関係なんのか？自分の人生を自分で運転することは無理なのか？

Something To Fight For

Have you ever felt that in order to keep living, you have to perpetually find something to fight for?

When I was in Primary School, i fought for my freedom. In Secondary School, while still fighting for my freedom, I fought for the things I loved. On the volleyball courts I fought, as a libero, to make sure no ball hits the ground in my turf, no matter how hard the spike was. On stage I fought to satisfy the audience and to convey the message of the scriptwriter (or director lah). Off stage I fought to make sure no one interfered in my love for and involvement in all these things. I fought so hard to love someone. That was once upon a time.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be better if my country was at war. I imagine myself enlisted to serve in every war that is fought. It wouldn't matter that I don't believe in what my country is fighting for. The point is that my country is fighting a war and I have to be a part of it. To be in a foreign land fighting for a cause. Going to sleep at night with no knowledge of where and how I might wake up or if I might wake up at all. To know that if God gave me one more day to live, I'd have to live my life to the fullest because he might just take me away anytime.

It might be said that it is all a matter of perception. That we could live each day as if it were our last even in a place as peaceful as ours. That we don't have stare death straight in the eye to appreciate the luxury of living. But we're human beings. Hand us things on a silver platter and chances are we aren't going to give a damn about it. It is only when food is unavailable that we value what we have to eat. It is only when we're incarcerated that we know how harsh it is to lose our freedom. It is only when we lose our soul that we realize how it is like to be nothing more than a living corpse.

So let's all search for something to fight for. It could be the love for music. It could be the senseless belief that love conquers all. It could be an idealistic passion. But then again, most of us already have something we never stop fighting for: the desire for material wealth at the expense of all other pastimes and pursuits. Give up a chance to make a million dollars just to sit and listen to the sounds of the sea that you truly love.. What are you, stupid?

I Thought I Knew

Those were the best times we shared.

We would stay in your home the entire day
with nothing to do or say.
But we knew we had each other
for as long as we wanted..

We would dress up and head out
and you'd hit me for not dressing well.
I would be so proud of the beauty walking next to me
cause we knew it'd last forever.

We'd swear we were the only lovers in this world.
Nothing else really mattered.
Music, theatre, dance,
they never mattered when you weren't there.
When I had to cry on stage I'd think of you leaving me.
When I had to laugh I'd think of your smile.
Through all the things we shared,
We knew it would last forever.

Remember walking on the sand?
Childishly kicking the beach into my eyes.
I said, "Even if the desert made me blind,
Nothing could keep me from seeing your beauty"
You'd just smile and rest your head
and I knew we would last forever.

Remember when we watched the sunset
at the same beach we walked along.
You sat beside me, as you did a thousand times before.
The orange blaze of the setting sun
made a perfect backdrop for our unending love.
And I knew we would last forever.

Remember when you looked up at me,
your eyes filled with fear.
We had been through many phases and each time we knew
we would last forever.
Then your lips parted,
"He's all that I ever wanted."
And I knew I couldn't love forever.